She Is Dead

What is this bullshit
That you have to suffer
To create
I'm level - flat like ribbons
stamp my feet
My eyes turn pink
lashes pale
Skin solid gone
ribbed ugly
I know they think I'm pretty and
I do
Sometimes
You're a model right
Then that man breathing into
my shoulder sighed
Talked about the weather
Hot Hot
No underwear, huh?
he said
And I could have
Punched him
Would have but
the door to the
Hardware store
got in the way
And I needed to fix that light
For the neighbors
no, guests
I don't remember the light
It went out when I needed it
Then all the people came
I could not talk though
How stupid, how stupid you sound
Don't talk
No-one hears you anyway
And then the vibration
Takes over
The train to
Con-nect-ti-cut
Power Ball Lotto
Blah blah million
Who are these have-nots
Still I'm quiet
200 down
Tickets lost
One chance in 160 million
180 million
My sister would know
She's the math whiz
I'm just trying to be
True
Don't you know
It's simple
2500 + 495 is
Three thousand
(well not exactly)
I say wait a minute
He says its simple
I say wait
Sigh, humph, dummy
I look at the lines
of numbers and math
Dancing sticks and stones don't break
Any bones
In my head
If I had a calculator
If I had a brain
I could...
Oh, they're all watching
You'll win the prize
You'll win
Blah blah millions
Fame, fortune, love, home
Dog, garden, warm at night, favorite perfume and pedicures
My credits bad for 7 years
They all hate you
The credit card companies all
lower your limit
And screw up your account on purpose
And then you're moving again
and there's no house, no dog, no references
from the landlord
What do you do in the city?
I shoot people like you who ask me
That question
I become someone else
Who's smart and funny and stupid and vain and tedious
That's why I stopped
And shut up
Do the math
Do the math
It doesn't equate
Sniffling
I cry
I die in my mind
Different ways
Like stepping in front
of a car
Or walking in a dangerous neighborhood
Late, late at night
But mostly I
just explode